


Record Setter

by reptilianraven



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 07:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4296141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptilianraven/pseuds/reptilianraven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James holds the current record for Most Complaints Filed Against An Agent. Majority of them are from various people in the tech division, a number are from the some folks at medical, and of course there are the complaints from the other agents themselves. Each of them has at least three for Lancelot, and it only ends at three because they usually begged for the sweet release of ever working with James after the third mission. There are only two exceptions to this. The first is Galahad, who hasn’t filed a single complaint against Lancelot because those two get along like bad decisions and alcohol. And the second is Percival.</p>
<p>Because Percival managed to break the record of Most Complaints Written To A Single Agent. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>AKA How Percival managed to file 12.8 (Yes. There's a decimal.) complaints against Lancelot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Record Setter

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally a [ficlet](http://actualbird.tumblr.com/post/122940610807/omg-complaints-tho-how-did-he-get-12-8) on tumblr but im crossposting it (with some minor additions) here despite how short it is because my ao3 account is collecting dust. this ficlet was spawned from a [conversation](http://actualbird.tumblr.com/post/122849293912/well-actually-the-name-stone-comes-from-the-using) between me and [caw-caw-motherfvcker](http://caw-caw-motherfvcker.tumblr.com/) concerning the use of stone as a unit of weight measurement.

James holds the current record for Most Complaints Filed Against An Agent. Majority of them are from various people in the tech division because “This is _expensive technology,_ Lancelot. We can’t just pull it out of our arses like magic, so _stop breaking them._.” A number are from the some folks at medical, because James has an antic for theatrics and consequently, an antic for stupid injuries. And of course there are the complaints from the other agents themselves. Each of them has at least three for Lancelot, and it only ends at three because they usually begged for the sweet release of ever working with James after the third mission. There are only two exceptions to this. The first is Galahad, who hasn’t filed a single complaint against Lancelot because those two get along like bad decisions and alcohol. And the second is Percival.

Because Percival managed to break the record of Most Complaints Written To A Single Agent. Percival’s total capping at 12.8 formal complaints against Lancelot.

\---

COMPLAINT #1

“Congratulations,” Merlin says. “You’ve reached your first unofficial milestone: Filing a Complaint Against Lancelot.”

“That’s,” Percival pauses, trying to find the most appropriate word to react with, and what he settles for is, “worrying. Extremely worrying.”

“Not really,” Merlin waves his hand and skims the contents of the folder Percival just gave him. “Lancelot is remarkably easy to complain about. I’m quite sure he memorizes one pet peeve per agent just so he can annoy them specifically in the way they hate most.”

“Again, worrying.”

“It’s his hobby,” Merlin shuts the folder closed. “Pretty standard complaint you’ve got there. Unnecessary use of explosives. I’ll be sure to pass it on to Lancelot who I’m sure will just grin widely in success, then to Arthur who won’t give a shit as long as Lancelot is doing his job.”

“Your complaint system is flawed,” Percival says.

“You’re welcome to complain about the complaint system, if you’ve got nothing else to do in your free time.”

\---

COMPLAINTS #2-3

Unnecessary use of explosives happens again twice in a row. The last complaint he sent in didn’t even have any explanation. It was just one page with the text “THIS IS THE THIRD DAMN TIME” written in the center. Lancelot, much to Percival’s utter frustration, managed to get that paper from Merlin. Now, it’s framed in Lancelot’s office. 

\---

COMPLAINT #4

“Why does this complaint have a bibliography at the end?” Merlin asks him in a mixture of amusement and true awe.

“This one is basically an academic article on why we should stop supplying Lancelot with the hand grenades,” Percival says. “I thought that sources would rest my point.”

“Never before have I seen somebody put so much effort into complaining,” Merlin says. “Lancelot is going to fucking love this one.”

(Lancelot indeed, does fucking love it. Thankfully, he can’t frame this complaint since it’s five pages long.)

\---

COMPLAINT #5

“Switching off the comms during a joint mission is against protocol,” Percival says. Merlin is playing tetris on his computer in one window, while in the window behind that, an actual mission is happening. “He’s allowed to mute off the handler, but he should never switch off the comms with _the agent he’s on a mission with_.”

(Because James is a cocky bastard. He thinks he can to everything perfectly in his way. He thinks mistakes won’t happen. He thinks he can fucking ignore his partnered agent while in the field. 

“Percy, I’ve got this. Just trust me.”

“I told you, we’ll wait for Merlin to draw up the intel to be sure—”

“That’ll take too much time, I can—”

“No you can’t—”

A melodramatic sigh rings out over the signal before it goes dead.

“Lancelot? Lancelo—James did you fucking mute me? You goddamned—”

And an hour later the mission goes tits up, James is stuck in enemy territory with no way out, and it’s all because the bastard couldn’t fucking wait. All because he wouldn't _listen_ )

“You’ll be happy to know that you aren’t the first to be pissed at him for this. I reprimanded him the moment he woke up. So for the first time, your complaint has had some effect.” Merlin tells him as he gets a L shaped piece to fit perfectly in the corner. “Have you had your turn of yelling at him? You look as though you’d need it.”

“No, I don’t need that.” Percival says. Seeing James in a bed down at Medical makes him feel sick to his stomach. “Just make sure he can never do it again.”

\---

COMPLAINT #6-9

Percival and James get tasked together to go undercover. Merlin says it’s to ‘bridge the gap in communication’ that they apparently have. What that actually means is that they have to act like step-brothers, infiltrate an organized crime ring, and do those two aforementioned things while sharing the same flat. 

The complaints go like this.

#6 is printed. It’s three pages long. It’s about how James sings to himself literally everywhere very loudly and how this is disruptive in a work environment.

#7 is handwritten. It’s only one page seeing as how it was written on the back of a poster. It’s about how James is taking the whole step-brother thing too seriously and how it’s getting on Percival’s nerves.

#8 is scrawled on the back of a receipt. It simply says in blocky, all caps handwriting, “HE FORGOT TO BUY MILK”

#9 is also on a receipt. “HE BOUGHT MILK BUT HE PURPOSELY BOUGHT THE WRONG KIND”

#10 is written on a crumpled piece of paper with some blood splatter on it. There are two sets of different handwriting.

“MESSILY KILLED MARK IN FLAT”

“I think you mean gracefully”

“NO I MEANT MESSILY. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TO DISPOSE OF THE BODY. YOU DIDNT HAVE TO CLEAN THE BLOOD OUT OF THE FLOOR UNTIL A BLACKLIGHT COULDNT SEE IT.”

“‘ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TO DISPOSE OF THE BODY’ Wow. I’m really feeling the love. It’s not like lugging chopped up bits of a body is hard or anything.”

And it cuts off there because they have the rest of the conversation in person. Percival actually submits them all once the mission is over. Merlin compiles them to show to future recruits what prolonged exposure to a fellow agent undercover does to you.

\---

COMPLAINT #11

“Don’t you have friends, Percival?” Merlin asks. “Friends who aren’t myself or Lancelot who you can speak to about this?”

“No,” Percival says easily.

“Christ, alright fine.” Merlin sips his coffee as if ingesting the stuff will make everything well. “Take a damn seat and have your existential Lancelot crisis.”

“What? I’m not having a--I’m not even going to say whatever you just said.” Percival sits down. “I’m here to file a complaint.”

Merlin looks at him square in the eye. “A complaint about what.”

“About how Lancelot nearly compromised a mission because of whatever prank he’s pulling on me now.”

“Percival,” Merlin says. “I want to be 100% sure that you’re listening to me. Are you listening to me?” 

Percival nods slowly.

“Alright. Good.” Merlin downs the rest of his coffee. “You’re telling me that you wish to complain about the fact that Lancelot confessed his feelings to you on a mission. Because you think it’s a prank.”

“Yes.”

“You’re one dense fucker, aren’t you?” Merlin says. “He wasn’t joking.”

A second passes by. Then another.

“Oh,” Percival says.

“Oh indeed,” Merlin turns back to his computer. “Now get the hell out of my office and go find the other dense fucker. I swear, you two were made for each other.”

\---

COMPLAINT #12

A text sent to Merlin at around 10 in the morning saying: “HE SENT A MASS TEXT TO HALF THE ROUND TABLE INFORMING THEM ALL THAT WE HAD SEX. YOU NEED TO FIRE HIM.”

\---

COMPLAINT #.8

This one was never really submitted. Yes, it was written with the intention of being submitted, but they never really got to that. It went something along the lines of “HAD THE NERVE TO PROPOSE TO ME WHEN I WAS GOING TO DO THE SAME THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE JAMES IS AN OVER ACHIEVING BASTARD”. Percival really can’t remember. It gets lost somewhere in their flat. James gets Merlin to put it in the system anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> im [actualbird](http://actualbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. come say hi or yell kingsman at me. i hope you had fun.


End file.
